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450-Dr. Drew-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

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You wanted it, we wanted it and now all of our wishes have come true. The magnificent Dr. Drew Pinksy is back in studio evaluating our clips and us as only he can do.
Will he agree that the lung infection singer has lung issues? Does he think the sissy of Freemont comes from a traumatic background? Will scat sex get you physically ill? And most importantly, is Dr. Drew going to join the 4 Stroke Gang?
All the answers you want are here!

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[WAFL Report] Bye round break-down

Watching East Perth has become a guilty pleasure of mine this year, not in the sense of wearing women’s underwear guilty pleasure but more-so unironically listening to Carly Rae Jepsen guilty pleasure, if you get what I mean. That’s right, it’s round whatever in the WAFL and our brave soldiers in the East Perth football club are taking a well undeserved break. Given that I have made myself the WAFL stat man, I thought I’d use this time to look back on the past few weeks that have severely degraded my mental health and deliver a titillating report on how our young guns, old hats, and Zac Dawson are doing thus far.
First, a recap of East Perth’s season so far. Perhaps the hardest aspect of this write-up to quantify. Seriously, the team goes from losing to every club and they’re respective mothers to beating last year’s WAFL grand finalists, Peel Thunder, and Zac Dawson. If you cast your mind back a couple weeks you’ll no doubt fondly remember the hysteria surround East Perth’s horror start and the calls to end the affiliation with the West Coast Eagles; calls that have no subsided because East Perth won a whole two games – season back on track, am I right? Don’t look behind the curtain at the 5 or so losses. In the first 5 rounds of the season East Perth kicked an average 58 points per game, no wonder they lost all those. In their last two wins that number has increased to 95.5 points – much better. The weird mish mash team has started to yield results, 2 results and another 5 results that we don’t talk about – now let’s talk about that mish mash.
First up on the stands is the player who comes first alphabetically because I’m lazy; that player is Tarir Bayok. Possibly the worst one to come first because he’s been playing in the reserves and I don’t hate myself enough to watch that rabble – but let’s dig in regardless, since when has not being knowledgeable on something stopped me from talking about it? ;- Hailing from Ellenbrook this category-B rookie has yet to play a senior game for Eats Perf but is undoubtedly having a great time in the ressies, averaging 12 disposals, 0.5 goals and 3 marks across his 4 injury interrupted games he will certainly be looking to lift his output and break into the league proper. One to watch with his speedy abilities in the forward line.
Paddy Brophy who has died and gone to Ireland. Press F to pay respects. Instead of stats here’s a fun Paddy Brophy Fact tm: in his 45 league games Paddy received 6 free kicks and gave away 38. Nice one, Paddy.
Tommy Gun Cole. Playing predominantly in half-back and occasionally through the midfield Cole struggles to hit the 20 range for disposals but can be extremely damaging in space. Big bodied and able to break tackles and clunk marks. Played two WAFL league games so far this year, averaging 13 disposals, 3 marks and 4.5 tackles. With the absence of Nelson for a while he will no doubt be looking to break into the team but add to his 2 AFL games from last year. Another exciting prospect to watch.
Tommy Gun Gorter, another Tom on the field who plays predominantly in defence. A budding defender that’s been progressing nicely in his second year playing consistent WAFL senior footy. Averaging just shy of 15 disposals per game and 5 marks per game. Likelihood of breaking into the senior side is a tough ask as our defensive line is pretty well settled with a nice mix of young and old, will have to fight for a debut.
Malcolm Karpany is a speedy forward/mid of the same mould as Jamie Cripps – not quite on the same level but you get the point. Was an emergency against Hawthorn but has yet to play a game this year in the blue and gold. Averaging 19 disposals and 0 goals Karpaniel will have to lift his goal scoring output to justify a place in the team as his disposal as is, is too scrappy for a midfield position.
Much like my wife who went missing under mysterious circumstances, Tom Lamb has a habit of disappointing me and I have nothing to do with it I swear. Despite his see-sawing form I wouldn’t say it’s panic stations for old Lamb chop yet, we’re in dire need of forwards now so unless your name is Adolph Hitler we’re probably going to be a bit lenient on you. Especially with Jake Waterman succumbing to Watermanitis. At 14 disposals and around 2 goals a game, Tommy Gun is doing just enough to justify his stupid hair. Unlikely to play any time in the future unless he builds some consistency, all our forwards contract Watermanitis and he gets a haircut.
Eric Mackenzie classifies as a WAFL player now. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It’s sad seeing him out there because he’s way too good for the WAFL; they don’t deserve him. How dare you make him lose 5 in a row, East Perth, we’d never do that to him. I think – I’m just the WAFL guy I have no idea who these West Coast Eagles are. Anyway, at almost 20 disposals and 10 marks a game any team would love to cram him into their backline but it just doesn’t seem like he fits in with our structure. Some tough decisions will have to be made at the end of the year if current trends continue.
The Fraser McInnes formerly known as Rookie is enjoying what appears to be a career best season. Appears to be because I can’t see the damn future, he’s only played 7 games. Prior to this season Frasio had never had more than 20 disposals in a game; this year he’s done it twice. Both in winning games – coincidence? No, that’s how football works you idiot. In a team that lost its first 5 games McInnley has been averaging 17 disposals, 4 marks and 20 hit-outs. If he can keep the good form up he might just attract suitors from interstate clubs and then we’re left with Tom Lamb on nothing but one year contracts for the foreseeable future.
Kurt “The Mut” Mutimer is the shining beacon of hope in the depressing cesspit of East Perth. Has battled his fair sure of exploding legitis but appears to be giving it a good crack this year. Was abducted for his debut last week and looks a good ‘un. Averages 25 disposals, 4 marks and 6 tackles. A tantalising future prospect that we will get good use out of in the coming years with his recent two-year contract extension.
Luke Partington is the man to be when Mutboy is tearing through the midfield, is the robin to his batman. In his own right is on equal footing with Mutimer in the WAFL with some slightly scrappier ball use but not enough to really be concerning or outright damaging. Averages 29 disposals, 4 marks per game but only 2 tackles, often goes whole games without a single tackle. Will need to work on his pressure around the ball to justify a debut, but I wouldn’t bet against him getting a run some-time this year.
Joshua Rotham is the only East Perth player with a picture on his stats page so I give him bonus points. Plays in defense and the midfield and does so with trademark cheekiness. His 17 disposals and 5 marks a game look good but like Partington needs to improve his 1 tackle average. Will be an extremely handy player if he can get that right.
Jordan Snadden was in the East Perth line-up for the first 5 rounds but was eventually sent to the Reserves shadow realm because of form. Plays predominantly in the midfield. Averaged 21 disposals and 6 marks a game in the Senior side. Will need to lift his disposals efficiency to get back to the WAFL seniors.
How many god damn players are in the WAFL? This was an awful idea.
Anyway, here’s Danny Vegetables. Our first pick of the 2016 draft had a slow start to the year after only playing 4 games of football in his draft year due to a bout of injuries but has started to come good as East Perth collectively lifts its form. Averages 13 disposals a game, with 14 and 19 in his last two games respectively, due to his time on field being heavily managed as he builds back his match fitness. Is due for a break-out game any day now and a possible AFL debut towards the end of the year if not early next year.
Francis Watson was no doubt the surprise package of this year before his ankle exploded. The dashing half-back drew attention with his ability to rebound out of defense and gather impressive numbers in his first year with East Perth. Before succumbing to injury was averaging 27 disposals, 5 marks and 5 tackles a game. Was also very capable of doing a good Wellingham impression turning the ball over with questionable disposals; will need to work on that before getting a debut.
Finally, that’s over. This took two days to write. I was not aware it’d be this hard but it’s done. Where East Perth goes after the bye is anyone’s guess, finals are still on the table, but the alarming form of the first 5 rounds has no definitive answer therefore no real solution and the team could relapse at any moment. Fringe players will have to start lifting their weight and not just relying on the leaders (Where have I heard this before?) to win the games. Players like McInnes have shown great commitment to improving and should be applauded for those efforts while players like Tom Lamb just can’t seem to reach that next gear consistently. All I know for sure is I’m going to continue to hate myself for watching these chucklefucks.
The fixture for the rest of the season is as follows:
Round 9: East Fremantle
Round 10: South Fremantle
Round 11: West Perth
Round 12: Another bye because why not
Round 13: Subiaco
Round 14: Swan Districts
Round 15: East Fremantle
Round 16: Another god damn bye
Round 17: Peel Thunder
Round 18: South Fremantle
Round 19: Claremont
Round 20: West Perth
Round 21: Swan Districts
Round 22: Perth
Round 23: Subiaco
And then that’s the end of the season. Nothing comes afterwards. Don’t believe the lies.
By the way Zac Dawson is averaging 9 disposals and 3 marks a game.
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